Tuesday, 2024-05-14, 1:45 AM
H A V O C
[ New messages · Members · Forum rules · Search · RSS ]
  • Page 1 of 1
  • 1
Forum » Media » Art/Writing/Plays » Story I failed to complete
Story I failed to complete
0mnislash17Date: Tuesday, 2009-07-07, 0:57 AM | Message # 1
Sergeant
Group: Friends
Messages: 21
Reputation: 1
Status: Offline
So awhile ago I had come up with a story that I was going to write, but got sidetracked, lost plot and all other info I used to have. I held onto the first and only chapter, so here it is for you guys to read. Lemme know what ya think... I might write something in the near future just as a heads up.

Chapter 1: The Fated Departure

"Hey Tyegetsu, hurry up would ya?" shouted a voice from outside.

"Give me another minute Razuay, I'm just about done!" Tygetsu yelled back. The 17 year old stood about 5'11" with long black hair that came down to his middle of his back. His eyes were hazel, but often shone red when the light hit them a certain way. He wore an outfit similar to a kimono; it was white and was adorned with rising flames in the areas around the midriff and leggings. The sleeves were long but, the left sleeve was ripped off to allow him to use the full arm gauntlet that had been used by his ancestors. He picked up his sheathed katana, and headed outside. "You're pretty impatient today aren't you?" he questioned Razuay as he closed the door behind him.

"Hehehe, I guess I am kind of being a little hasty." Razuay chuckled while rubbing the back of his head. He was 17 as well, but younger than Tyegetsu. He stood around 5'9" and had short brown hair with brown eyes. He wore light armor; a silver breastplate with some scratches on it showing prior usage, with thick matching, arm guards and shin guards, over his platemail pants. On his back was his shield that had been passed down from him to his father and had his sword sheathed within it. "I still can't believe we're actually going to do this," he continued. "I mean, we've never even been outside of Lerzain."

"Oh, stop being a sour puss Razuay." Tyegetsu sighed. They began to walk down the main road of the small trade city known as Lerzain.

The city has grown over the past couple of years due to its key location on the continent. Many roads link the many countries, including the two empires of Rodenia and Kielsen. There is also a river that runs through the city allowing trade ships to come and go with imported and exported goods as well. The social status in the town is mainly wealthy as many of the people here own their own shops in the Bazaar and conduct trading with countries. Houses line the crowded streets in the urban area of the city and there are houses on the outskirts for farming. They continue walking past the Bazaar towards the outskirts of the town when Razuay stops near a rundown farm.

"Hey, do you remember the day we met 10 years ago?" he said in a nostalgic manner. "It seems as if it was only yesterday when I came across you in that field over there," he continued as he glanced to the field to his right. "I still remember what I asked you when I walked up to you, ha, ha, ha" he chuckled. "Say, what…." He began to recite his exact words that day as Tyegetsu interrupted him.

"What is the point of you honing your swordsmanship when you could be hanging out and playing like the rest of us kids?" Tyegetsu finished. "Heh, I then replied to you; to make something of myself one day, to be respected and adored by all who know me, to become a legend just like the Four Fangs! You know, when I look back on it, I set that goal for me and myself alone. I never intended on having someone else join in on it with me."

"Ah, you see there, that is where your plans were flawed." Razuay chimed in. "You have a natural charm about you that you don't show often. You chose to be alone and train instead of playing tag like the rest of us kids. However, when you told me of your ambitions, you drew me into your plans. Now that I am in this with you," he began as a smirk ran across his face; "there is no getting rid of me. After all were partners, right?"

"Ha, ha, ha, I couldn't get rid of you even if I tried!" Tyegetsu laughed. "But if you just stand there and idly reminisce, I shall have no choice but to leave you behind!" He shouted as he broke into a run through the gate and through the countryside.

"Whoa, HEY! That's not nice!" Razuay shouted as he began to run after Tyegetsu.

The two boys, who shared one another's dream, left their hometown for the first time. Rising out of their childhood, they are now ready to claim the pride and glory that is due to them. They head towards Rodenia, the Imperial city of the East.

 
PixelProxyDate: Tuesday, 2009-07-07, 1:16 AM | Message # 2
Colonel
Group: Friends
Messages: 242
Reputation: 5
Status: Offline
It Pretty good, *didn't finish reading it got lazy =P
but what i did read was good



 
0mnislash17Date: Tuesday, 2009-07-07, 1:30 AM | Message # 3
Sergeant
Group: Friends
Messages: 21
Reputation: 1
Status: Offline
Thanks xP. All criticism is welcomed.
 
iBrendaDate: Tuesday, 2009-07-07, 7:28 PM | Message # 4
Sergeant
Group: Friends
Messages: 31
Reputation: 2
Status: Offline
The story is pretty good. But I really can't get a clear imagine in my head and I think you should use words besides numbers. I understand that this is kind of like an anime/Japanese version, but in a story the names are pretty confusing =/ But Chapter 1 is just the beginning I feel like if you continue writing this is will be an interesting story, an exciting one =D<3 tongue

 
0mnislash17Date: Wednesday, 2009-07-08, 6:18 PM | Message # 5
Sergeant
Group: Friends
Messages: 21
Reputation: 1
Status: Offline
Quote (iBrenda)
The story is pretty good. But I really can't get a clear imagine in my head and I think you should use words besides numbers. I understand that this is kind of like an anime/Japanese version, but in a story the names are pretty confusing =/ But Chapter 1 is just the beginning I feel like if you continue writing this is will be an interesting story, an exciting one =D<3

Thanks for the constructive criticism Brenda!

Umm, I believe there was a rule to writing numbers out in writing... if memory serves me, it was anything bigger than 10 could be written out in number form. I guess I could rewrite it though to make it more acceptable to everyone though.

As far as the name goes, I don't like using normal names for things as it doesn't feel too original, so I'll be sticking with the way I do them ^-^

Thanks again ^-^

Message edited by 0mnislash17 - Wednesday, 2009-07-08, 6:20 PM
 
iBrendaDate: Thursday, 2009-07-09, 9:31 AM | Message # 6
Sergeant
Group: Friends
Messages: 31
Reputation: 2
Status: Offline
Creative smile

 
Forum » Media » Art/Writing/Plays » Story I failed to complete
  • Page 1 of 1
  • 1
Search:

Copyright MyCorp © 2024